I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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