so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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