Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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