dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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