i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
