Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
