Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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