I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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