Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
