be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
