I want to have your abortion
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
