we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
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