Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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