just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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