the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
