just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
