so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
