You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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