She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Randomize
