I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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