It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
