This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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