Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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