there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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