Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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