Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
