Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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