It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Randomize
