i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
