And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
