mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
This is the high leading the old right now
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
