Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize
