remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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