i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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