i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
