I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Randomize
