my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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