My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
