Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
