I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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