Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Randomize
