i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
