I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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