We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
