There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
