You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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