yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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