I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
