I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
