I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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