..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
