my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
