It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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