i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
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